The British Guide, or ‘How To Talk Like Harry Potter’

The British Guide, or 'How To Talk Like Harry Potter'

I began writing this as an instruction notecard for an online roleplay game set in the world of Harry Potter. It was intended as a guide for players who want to learn how to sound more authentically British in the things they say. However, it struck me that a list like this may be interesting and/or useful to a much wider audience; especially if they are of a stateside alliegance (If I’m wrong in this, bugger off).

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This is written especially with American, European or other wordly players in mind! Here are some suggestions for improving the way your character speaks 🙂

You should have worked out by now where your character is from within the British Isles, or Ireland. Where you are from makes a big difference to how your character will speak, beyond the accent. You might find it interesting to explore local slang information on the internet – the less understandable, the better!

That said there are a few general things you will want to include in your character’s vocabulary.

Read on…

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The Haiku Game (with a Frenchman)

Why say you’re Irish?
You live an ocean away
and always have done.

People are stupid
you should get used to this fact
it’s universal.

Sweaty man in gym
I hope you’ll wipe that machine
before I use it.

You there English girl
will you ever stop moaning
you sound like you’re French.

1:0 to the French

Read on…


The Haunted Library

The Haunted Library

Today, I worked at my city’s most haunted library. It’s located in the old Washington village some way out of town, in a house which was converted into a library quite a few years ago. It’s literally just a few yards from Washington Old Hall (see above), the ancestral home of the family of George Washington (yes, that George Washington), and also just over the road from a rather resplendent church.

I’ve heard so many stories about this tiny library before that it was not without a little amount of morbid curiosity that I went to work this morning. Last summer, someone swore to me that she had been on her own upstairs in the non-fiction section when she heard the floorboards creak; as if someone was walking over them. Then, she heard a loud metallic ring, as if someone was dragging something along the length of the cast iron radiator. Of course, there was no one there.

Apparently, a medium visited the building a while back and said that she had sensed an old man, sitting on a chair in the office. Another colleague even swears he was tapped on the shoulder from behind, and turned to see no one there. This phantom is allegedly the ghost of a man who worked in local studies, and which has also on occasion graced the local pub two doors up. Most of this was related to me by my co-worker, who happily told me that she herself had not seen a ghost, but admitted that ‘it does feel spooky up there sometimes’.

Read on…


The Real Reason Saruman Is No Longer White

The Real Reason Saruman Is No Longer White

[Scene – The Tower of Orthanc. Saruman is using his palantir to make a much needed clothing purchase, but is having some problems. He paces around impatiently. Cheesy music fills the chamber.]

Music: – Oh! won’t you come back to me, my love, the mushrooms are getting cold. The days are so blue, I’m missing you, and the pipeweed is growing mould. Oh! –

Auto-voice: – I am sorry, all of our palantiri are busy at present. Please hold, your call is important to us. –

[Saruman looks up at this in expectation, but rolls his eyes as the music resumes. Some minutes later, a splutter is heard on the line, and he rushes to the palantir.]

Salesperson: Hello, Lothlorien Robemakers! My name is Ailawen! How may I help you today?

Saruman: Hello, I would like to make an order please.

Read on…