The Real Reason Saruman Is No Longer WhitePosted: 1 March 2011
[Scene – The Tower of Orthanc. Saruman is using his palantir to make a much needed clothing purchase, but is having some problems. He paces around impatiently. Cheesy music fills the chamber.]
Music: – Oh! won’t you come back to me, my love, the mushrooms are getting cold. The days are so blue, I’m missing you, and the pipeweed is growing mould. Oh! –
Auto-voice: – I am sorry, all of our palantiri are busy at present. Please hold, your call is important to us. –
[Saruman looks up at this in expectation, but rolls his eyes as the music resumes. Some minutes later, a splutter is heard on the line, and he rushes to the palantir.]
Salesperson: Hello, Lothlorien Robemakers! My name is Ailawen! How may I help you today?
Saruman: Hello, I would like to make an order please.
Salesperson: Of course, sir. May I have your customer number?
[Saruman fiddles with a bunch of papers and finally finds the one he needs. He reads from it.]
Saruman: Yes – it’s I-S-E-N-0-R-C-1-0-V-3-R.
Salesperson: Thank you sir, one moment please!
[The sounds of hasty scribbling and rifling through papers are heard.]
Ah yes, could you confirm your name and the first line of your address, please?
Saruman: Saruman the White, Isengard, Nan Curunir.
Salesperson: Thank you sir, and your date of birth?
[Saruman draws himself up.]
Saruman: I was born before the creation of the Trees, insolent elf!
Salesperson: Before the creation of the Trees… yes, that matches. How may I help you today, sir?
Saruman: I would like to order two new sets of your E-starry robes, please.
Salesperson: Certainly sir, in which colour?
[Some more rifling through papers is heard.]
Salesperson: Ahh. I am sorry, sir, but we appear to have run out of stock in that colour.
Saruman: Run out of stock?!? But I am the only customer you have who orders them in white!
[An uncomfortable pause.]
Salesperson: I’m afraid that’s not so, sir. I do apologise.
[Saruman begins to get suspicious.]
Saruman: Who ordered the white robes?
Salesperson: I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to disclose the personal information of our other customers, sir. Would you like me to check if we have any other colours in stock?
Saruman: Argh… well, I don’t really want… OK, go ahead.
Salesperson: Certainly sir. Well, unfortunately the brown and sky blue ranges are also very popular as usual and have also sold out, however we do now have some available in grey.
Saruman: Ugh… not grey. Bad memories, you understand.
Salesperson: Of course, sir. The only other colour we have in stock is rainbow.
Salesperson: Yes sir, it is a new variety which changes colour as the fabric moves. Very stylish, and fashionable this season.
Saruman: Well, that sounds OK. How much would that cost?
Salesperson: In the E-starry range?
Salesperson: For two sets of robes that would cost 149 gold pieces in total, sir.
Saruman: You what? I mean, that’s fine, yes I would like to order two robes in rainbow.
Salesperson: Very good, sir. Which payment method would you prefer?
Saruman: Ainucard, please.
Salesperson: Certainly sir, please hold your card up to the palantir for scanning.
[He does so, and a buzzing noise is heard.]
Salesperson: Thank you sir, an eagle will be on its way to you shortly to deliver your goods. Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?
Saruman: No, thank you.
Salesperson: Goodbye, sir, and have a nice day!
Saruman: Thanks, bye.
[The palantir goes black. Saruman stamps on the floor.]
Rainbow? What in Middle-earth am I going to look like when Gandalf calls round?
[Suddenly, comprehension dawns.]
Aaaaaagh! Damn you, Gandalf!
[And so ends the story of what really happened to make Saruman the White lose his cool (and his exclusive robe order) to Gandalf.]